Nicole Wilker

Just me, in your face!

Archive for category Funny

I got a Tramp Stamp!

Jul 7

Posted by nwilker in Bikiing, Funny | 2 Comments

Just kidding!

Sorry mom – didn’t mean to give you a heart attack!

Sunday hubby and I decided to go for a little bike ride. I have been feeling thinner (probably because i am – versus last year at this time) and therefore things that have sat in the closet for ages now fit.

I chose a cute little exercise top with little strapies that matched my shorts. I put suntan lotion on my arms, had hubby do my back – there was a bit exposed in this little number – woohoo me!

We head out, 1/2 way to the bike trail i notice when i “bend” over to reach for the handlebars my fancy little shirt shifts up…  Hmmm…
Wonder if this will be a problem…

Let me tell you – HELL YES it was a problem!
I got a fabulous burn on the Tramp Stamp area of my lower back. Oooofa!
Also got some lovely burns around my strapies cause hubby didn’t do his job – he claims i shifted after he applied the sun screen so i am to blame. I disagree! Of course!

I figure next time i’ll put a sticker or 2 back there and have a temporary tatoo!
Or maybe next time i’ll just wear a longer shirt and sun screen!

Tags: ,

The train

Jun 30

Posted by nwilker in Funny, Ramblings | 1 Comment

I’m not sure what my problem is, but being on time for a train is traumatically hard for me.

When I worked downtown I always missed the train coming home. I was always just 1 or 2 minutes too late. There was always that last thing i needed or wanted to do at the office.

Luckily I was on the route that came every 10 minutes.

Maybe it’s my upbringing in Boston where public transportation was always there. Checking a schedule wasn’t necessary, there would always be another train in just a bit.

Friday I needed to be on site at a client, which is very near my house, but of course had to then be at the office later in the day which is not near my house. I had hubby drop me off, my co-worker bring me to the office and the train was my ride home.

The train from this side of town doesn’t run as often, pretty much 30 minutes apart. Hrmph. 2 choices – 3:54 or 4:24.

Ok, no biggie. I can leave the office by quarter past thinking i have pleanty of time. As i approach the bridge over the highway – i see a train arrive… Well that can’t be my train, it’s 4:21, i still have 3 minutes… Alas the global clock that my phone synchs with is no the same clock that Denver RTD goes by… And there is went… No way to run across “6″ lanes of traffic and back down the stairs on the other side, validate my ticket and get on. So i didn’t try.

The next train to arrive didn’t go exactly where i wanted, but it was close enough, so i informed hubby of my typical status – yup sweetie i missed the train. We met downtown and had some cold frosties ones to make it all better! I guess next time i’ll leave the office 20 minutes early. Sigh.

Where is the milk?

Jun 27

Posted by nwilker in Funny, Ramblings | No Comments

The other week I got to work and realized i didn’t have milk for my cereal… sigh.
The next day i made sure i had my milk.
I head to the garage and start putting all my stuff in the car.
I back out of the garage and head to work. Which includes stop and go through town.
Half way there I freak out. I’m trying to use the stick shift, move my stuff on the seat and try and remeber where the heck i put the milk.
Then i remeber…  Crap – it’s on the roof….  Or it was…
I careen over to the side of the road, jump out and whala – there it is… my little container of white goodness.
Whew!!

Tags:

Funny!

Jun 26

Posted by nwilker in Funny | No Comments

Got this in my email and just had to share!

WalmartCake

Okay so this is how I imagine this conversation went:

Walmart Employee: ‘Hello ‘dis be Walmarts, how can I help you?’

Customer: ‘ I would like to order a cake for a going away party this week.’

Walmart Employee: ‘What you want on da cake?’
Customer: ‘Best Wishes Suzanne’ and underneath that ‘We will miss you’.

Tags:

Any why not?

Jun 24

Posted by nwilker in Funny | No Comments

Of course if it’s on the floor, not comfortable and not mine, it must be a new bed for me!

Mmmm, plastic on hard wood floor - so comfy!

Tags: ,

Wordless Wednesday

Jun 10

Posted by nwilker in Funny, Question/Survey of the day | No Comments

Good Mornin!

Good Mornin!

Tags:

All natural Remidies…

May 30

Posted by nwilker in Funny, Ramblings | No Comments

Saw this in last sunday’s paper and had to repost it here for when i do one of these things and need something to fix it!

None of these have specific instructions but it definitely sounds interesting!

  • To soothe sunburn:
    • apply a mixture of whipped egg and a teaspoon of castor oil.(who ever has castor oil in the house? – brings back images of tom and jerry cartoons!
    • add a handful of baking soda to a warm water bath and soak for a while

  • For pesky mosquito bites:
    • apply vinegar on a cotton ball to the itchy area (not sure difference between that an rubbing alcohol…)

  • Beat bee stings:
    • applying a paste of baking soda and water to the affected area (one i stop screaming and running in circles)

  • Poison ivy:
    • to reduce discomfort, rub the inside of a banana peel to the rash. Should reduce the discomfort within a few days.  (should?  hmmmm – think I’ll stick to the “Leaves of three let it be!”)

Replacement bike – check!

Apr 28

Posted by nwilker in Bikiing, Funny | 1 Comment

I was whimpering to my friends about the flooded garage and my lack of 2 wheeled transport when my neighbor mentioned that it was just about time for the police bike auction.
My ears perked up and my lip only sucked in and out a couple more times!
She sent me the link and alas within 7 days of my bike going missing there was an auction. SWEET!

We had recently come across some cash from a craig’s list sale that we had forgotten about – wind fall!  (ok, not really, but enough for a bike i thought!)

Hubby laughs at me and some of the numbers i come up with on what I think is a reasonable cost for something.
To me a $50 bike at an auction seemed like what it should cost. There were previously owned, possibly stolen, possibly run over with a truck…  Seemed reasonable to me.

It was my first auction, i don’t do well in barganing situations, but figured i could handle this.
We registered, got our “card” for show when bidding.
And into the bike area we went to check out the goods.
I found 4 or 5 that fit the critera – small enough for me to fit on, in decent shape – we didn’t want to spend a boat load to get it road worthy, and a brand name i had heard of!

As the auction began i was amazed. Seriosuly. It was just like you see on tv, 50, 50 50, do i hear 60, ok 60, can i get 60….

When he started with 50 as the “base” bid i was a little nervous and thought maybe hubby and i should just go…
But then they went down down down to 20 since no-one was bidding. Ok, feelign better.

There were some amazing bikes that went for 10 or 20 and some that hubby and i weren’t really impressed with and those shot up to the 300 mark.
Crazy! I figured it was just that we didn’t have the right knowledge to be talking bikes!

As i was watching some of those great bikes go for 30 i decided to jump in the ring so I had hubby star bidding on a trek. I didn’t really remeber seeing in and i can’t see far without my glasses, so it looked ok…  We eded up at the $75 dollar mark for a trek…  I figured even a low end trek would cost over 300 so we should ok.

We got that bike and put it on the car and came back for round 2. They were coming up on one of the other bikes i had marked as an I want. A mongoose.
Seems maybe we picked poorly cause not many people bidded with us and we were able to grab that puppy for the $50 mark – which was what i had thought we could.

I was a little nervouls that i had wasted some of our “wind fall” on something not usable. Hubby was excited by the whole process.

Sunday I looked around for a bike shop to check our winnings out. I ended up chosing the one that was open on sundays! Who knew bike shops were like hair dressers?

They took both bikes and checked them out. The trek i figured would be a boat load, it was ditry and the seat was a wreck…  Turns out that was the winner! A little chain lube and a new “used” seat and for $16.50 plus tax i had a rideable machine! WOOHOO! Yeah me!

The back up bike- the one that should have been the perfrect one, alas was not to be. The rear tire was more of an oval, the handle bars would a might off center nad basically it would need a $100 overhaul…  That little puppy is now sitting in the garage awaiting a time when we feel the need to fix it up and sell it on craig’s list!

All in all i was pretty pleased with ourselves! I got a brand name bike, that’s light – pretty sure i can lift it over my head, and rideable!!

Tags:

My Living Will

Apr 15

Posted by nwilker in Funny | No Comments

My mom sent me this and it was just too funny not to share:

MY LIVING WILL

Last night my sister and I were sitting in the den and I said to her,
“I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine
and
fluids from a bottle to keep me alive.That would be no quality of
life at all, If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”

So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.

She’s such a bitch.

Tags:

Not the right tool for the job

Mar 28

Posted by nwilker in Funny | No Comments

The other morning I awoke a little more tired than usual.

I hopped out of bed and headed to the rest room, picking up a “female accoutrement” on the way.

I’m sitting on the camode, eyes closed cause the light is just too bright, and doing my morning thang.

Eventually i take inventory of what is in my hand. Feels a little weird. Hmmm…  Brain still not functioning so i don’t think too much about it.

Then it comes time to make use of the thing in my hand, I open my eyes and alas I have a q-tip in my hand not what i needed.

I was cracking up for half the morning thinking about it.